"I've Lost Me Luggage"
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K.Airportand wandered around the terminal with
tears streaming down his cheeks.
An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
"Water to Wine"
An Irish priest is driving down to New Yorkand gets stopped for speeding
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an
empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could
buy him a drink.
"Why, of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have
another round to Ireland."
"Of course," says the second. Curious, the first asks: "Where in
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it, Me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin"
"Of course" The second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school did
"Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is becoming unbelievable!!!" They say in union.
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's up?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk
Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching the brothel
across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation
Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen
said, "What a terrible pity... one of the girls must be quite ill."
"Lost at Sea"
Two Irishmen, Patrick &Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a
dramatic escape from a burning freighter.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an
old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp
To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie,
however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard
Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the
entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the
entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on
the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now
we're going to have to pee in the boat."
Daddy, why did we help the U.S. attack Iraq?
Because the Iraqis had weapons of mass destruction.
But the UN inspectors didn`t find any weapons of mass destruction.
That`s because the Iraqis were hiding them.
And that`s why we invaded Iraq?
Yes. Invasions always work better than inspections.
But after we invaded them, we STILL haven`t found any weapons of mass destruction, have we?
That`s because the weapons are so well hidden. Don`t worry, U.S. military will find something, probably right before the 2004 election.
Why did Iraq want all those weapons of mass destruction?
To use them in a war, silly.
I`m confused. If they had all those weapons that they planned to use in a war, then why didn`t they use any of those weapons when the U.S. and UK attacked them?
Well, obviously they didn`t want anyone to know they had those weapons, so they chose to die by the thousands rather than defend themselves.
That doesn`t make sense. Why would they choose to die if they had all those big weapons with which they could have fought back?
It`s a different culture. It`s not supposed to make sense.
I don`t know about you Daddy, but I don`t think they had any of those weapons you and George Bush said they did...
Well, you know, it doesn`t matter whether or not they had those weapons. We had another good reason to invade them anyway.
And what was that?
Even if Iraq didn`t have weapons of mass destruction, Saddam Hussein was a cruel dictator, which is another good reason to invade another country.
Why? What does a cruel dictator do that makes it OK to invade his country?
Well, for one thing, he tortured his own people.
Kind of like what they do in China?
Don`t go comparing China to Iraq. China is a good economic competitor, where millions of people work for slave wages in sweatshops to make U.S. corporations richer.
So if a country lets its people be exploited for American corporate gain, it`s a good country, even if that country tortures people?
Why were people in Iraq being tortured?
For political crimes, mostly, like criticising the government. People who criticised the government in Iraq were sent to prison and tortured.
Isn`t that exactly what happens in China?
I told you, China is different.
What`s the difference between China and Iraq?
Well, for one thing, Iraq was ruled by the Ba`ath party, while China is Communist.
Didn`t you once tell me Communists were bad?
No, just Cuban Communists are bad.
How are the Cuban Communists bad?
Well, for one thing, people who criticise the government in Cuba are sent to prison and tortured.
Like in Iraq?
And like in China, too?
I told you, China`s a good economic competitor. Cuba, on the other hand, is not.
How come Cuba isn`t a good economic competitor?
Well, you see, back in the early 1960s, the U.S. government passed some laws that made it illegal for Americans to trade or do any business with Cuba until they stopped being Communists and started being capitalists like us.
But if the U.S. got rid of those laws, opened up trade with Cuba, and started doing business with them, wouldn`t that help the Cubans become capitalists?
Don`t be a smart-arse.
I didn`t think I was being one.
Well, anyway, they also don`t have freedom of religion in Cuba.
Kind of like China and the Falun Gong movement?
I told you, stop saying bad things about China. Anyway, Saddam Hussein came to power through a military coup, so he`s not really a legitimate leader anyway.
What`s a military coup?
That`s when a military general takes over the government of a country by force, instead of holding free elections like we do and they do in the United States.
Didn`t the ruler of Pakistan come to power by a military coup?
You mean General Pervez Musharraf? Uh, yeah, he did, but Pakistan is our friend.
Why is Pakistan our friend if their leader is illegitimate?
I never said Pervez Musharraf was illegitimate.
Didn`t you just say a military general who comes to power by forcibly overthrowing the legitimate government of a nation is an illegitimate leader?
Only Saddam Hussein. Pervez Musharraf is our friend, because he helped the U.S. invade Afghanistan.
Why did the Americans invade Afghanistan?
Because of what they did to the U.S. on September 11th 2001
What did Afghanistan do to the U.S. on September 11th?
Well, on September 11th, nineteen men-fifteen of them Saudi Arabians-hijacked four airplanes and flew three of them into buildings in New York and Washington, killing 3,000 innocent people.
So how did Afghanistan figure into all that?
Afghanistan was where those bad men trained, under the oppressive rule of the Taliban.
Aren`t the Taliban those bad radical Islamises who chopped off people`s heads and hands?
Yes, that`s exactly who they were. Not only did they chop off people`s heads and hands, but they oppressed women, too.
Didn`t the Bush administration give the Taliban 43 million U.S. dollars back in May of 2001?
Yes, but that money was a reward because they did such a good job fighting drugs.
Yes, the Taliban were very helpful in stopping people from growing opium poppies.
How did they do such a good job?
Simple. If people were caught growing opium poppies, the Taliban would have their hands and heads cut off.
So, when the Taliban cut off people`s heads and hands for growing flowers, that was Okay, but not if they cut people`s heads and hands off for other reasons?
Yes. It`s Okay with us if radical Islamic fundamentalists cut off people`s hands for growing flowers, but it`s cruel if they cut off people`s hands for stealing bread.
Don`t they also cut off people`s hands and heads in Saudi Arabia?
That`s different. Afghanistan was ruled by a tyrannical patriarchy that oppressed women and forced them to wear burqas whenever they were in public, with death by stoning as the penalty for women who did not comply.
Don`t Saudi women have to wear Burqas in public, too?
No, Saudi women merely wear a traditional Islamic body covering.
What`s the difference?
The traditional Islamic covering worn by Saudi women is a modest yet fashionable garment that covers all of a woman`s body except for her eyes and fingers. The burqa, on the other hand, is an evil tool of patriarchal oppression that covers all of a woman`s body except for her eyes and fingers.
It sounds like the same thing with a different name.
Now, don`t go comparing Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia. The Saudis are our friends.
But I thought you said 15 of the 19 hijackers on September 11th were from Saudi Arabia?
Yes, but they trained in Afghanistan.
Who trained them?
A very bad man named Osama bin Laden.
Was he from Afghanistan?
Uh, no, he was from Saudi Arabia too. But he is a bad man, a very bad man.
I seem to recall he was our friend once.
Only when the U.S. helped him and the Mujahadeen repel the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan back in the 1980s.
Who are the Soviets? Was that the Evil Communist Empire Ronald Reagan talked about?
There are no more Soviets. The Soviet Union broke up in 1990 or thereabouts, and now they have elections and capitalism like the U.S. and UK. We call them Russians now.
So the Soviets - I mean, the Russians-are now our friends?
Well, not really. You see, they were our friends for many years after they stopped being Soviets, but then they decided not to support our invasion of Iraq, so we`re mad at them now. We`re also mad at the French and the Germans because they didn`t help us invade Iraq either.
So the French and Germans are evil, too?
Not exactly evil, but just bad enough that the Americans had to rename French fries and French toast to Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast.
Do the Americans always rename foods whenever another country doesn`t do what they want them to do?
No, they just do that to our friends. Our enemies, they invade.
But wasn`t Iraq one of our friends back in the 1980s?
Well, yeah. For a while.
Was Saddam Hussein ruler of Iraq back then?
Yes, but at the time he was fighting against Iran, which made him our friend, temporarily.
Why did that make him our friend?
Because at that time, Iran was our enemy.
Isn`t that when he gassed the Kurds?
Yeah, but since he was fighting against Iran at the time, the Americans and we looked the other way, to show him we were his friends.
So anyone who fights against one of our enemies automatically becomes our friend?
Most of the time, yes!
And anyone who fights against one of our friends is automatically an enemy?
Sometimes that`s true, too. However, if American and British corporations can profit by selling weapons to both sides at the same time, all the better.
Because war is good for both our economies, which means war is good for America and the UK. Also, since God is on America`s side, anyone who opposes war is a godless un-American Communist. Do you understand now why we helped America attack Iraq?
I think so. We attacked them because God wanted the U.S. to, right?
But how did America know God wanted the U.S. to attack Iraq?
Well, you see, God personally speaks to George W. Bush and tells him what to do.
So basically, what you`re saying is that we attacked Iraq because George W. Bush hears voices in his head?
Yes! You finally understand how the world works. Now close your eyes, make yourself comfortable, and go to sleep. Good night.
Good night, Daddy.
(A bed time story, going around by e-mails)
Let's get sick of envy!
Guardian Unlimited | Special reports | The best of British blogging
A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York.
Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.
A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl"
The man says: "But I am not a New Yorker!"
"Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" - the policeman answers.
"But I am not an American!" - says the man.
"Oh, what are you then?"
The man says: - "I am an Arab from Iraq!"
The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog".
(Joke sent by Deb to me this afternoon)
I strangely feel this is the first shy step of something so great, that I can't still figure it.
I'm testing at the moment. Thanks for reading, come back later.
archivado en: cosas mías